My Weakness, His greatness. That is how I was feeling this week.
It was one of those weeks where I felt so inadequate in so many things. A week in which I felt like I was doing everything wrong, and making mistakes here and there and feeling so out of control.  They weren't huge, but none the less, I was feeling so unworthy of His grace, His mercy and His forgiveness. I was feeling completely weak.
To be completly honest, last week was a week in which I probably read my Bible the least, and prayed the least. I felt so tired at the end of the day that, by the time I got upstairs, I would fall asleep in the middle of doing anything. And, even though I was very busy, with lots to do, it still doesn't give me a valid reason to not have prayed and read my Bible more. Yes, I was busy, but my time that I have to spend with God each day, should never be cut short. I definetly had a lesson to learn.
However, that isn't what I am trying to focus on, yet, it does have to do with what I am talking about. So, as you can see, this week wasn't my greatest. I wasn't at a spiritual high, I wasn't feel completely strong in the Lord. My daily devotions had been cut short, and everything else that had to do with my spiritual life, felt like it was completely lacking.
On Friday afternoon, our highschool staff and students had a spiritual retreat at our Chamche school in the afternoon. We told all of the students that they could decide whether or not they wanted to come to the retreat having fasted, or if they didn't want to, that was fine, and the teachers had the same option. However, that morning I had voice lessons in Coban and after I was done, I went by the mall to get some things for my mom. As I was leaving I realized that it was lunchtime and decided to grab something to eat. The fast? Yep, I completlely forgot about it, right until I was half way done my food. Ooops!! I was feeling kind of bad. I knew it wasn't an obligation to fast, but still, I wanted to be an example to my students. But, apprently that wasn't going to happen anymore.
So, as I raced back home just in time to go and pick up a friend from school and then race back home, get changed and rush over to  the school, I was thinking about my week. Thinking about the fact that I was headed to a spiritual retreat in which I was going to help minister to my students and pray that God would change their lives. But the whole time, all I felt like was  a horrible example. No, my students didn't know I felt like that, but still, I felt like that and I kept spinning the thoughts around and around in my head.
Anyway, the retreat eventually started, and I was asked to go and play the keyboard. As I made my way up to the stage and sat down on tke keyboard, all I could say was "God please use me" Help me to minister and be a blessing to the students". To be honest, it was a half hearted prayer in the sense that, I believed it, but at the same time I was doubting.
Yet, as my fingers touched the keyboard and I began to play, I could feel God's presence around me. I could feel him breathing life into me. I looked out across the sea of my student's faces. They all had their eyes closed and their hands raised and were praising God. As the music grew, their voices sounded louder and louder and the presence of God in that place was so incredibely tangible. As the worship song finished, we went in to free style worship and Eduardo asked all the kids to just worship God and pour out their hearts to Him. They began to do that, and God's presence felt even stronger. I was awed and humbled at the same time.
As the afternoon continued and Eduardo and Wilfido spoke to the kids, I sat in the back and watched them all paying close atention to all that was being said. When it was almost finished, Eduardo asked me to go back up and start playing the piano. I went up, and listened as they made an altar call to the students. Asking them if they wanted to change their lives, if they wanted to live for him, no matter the cost. As I continued to play, I saw student after students slowly make their way to the front. I continued to play the piano. As I played and once again looked out and saw their faces, I saw tears. I saw broken hearts pouring out before the Lord. I saw humility and I saw a hunger for change.
As I sat there playing the piano and seeing the hunger and longing in many of my student's faces,  I heard God speak to me in a very small voice, reminding me that: "When YOU are weak, I am made STRONG". ha. As I heard that, I felt so full of love and grace. Here I was, having felt so inadequate throughout my week, feeling very low in my spiritual walk. And just when I needed it the most, God was able to breath new life in to me. He reminded me that I don't depend on my own strength, and that I can never do anything on my own. That I always need to turn to Him.
In my weakness and inadequecy, in my lack of faith and trust. He was made great, He was made strong. His power was seen in my  weakness.